I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
