I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
