matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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