did you get engaged???
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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