last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
