hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
