my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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