Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
