my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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