next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
