dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
