Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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