At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
