i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
