Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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