I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
