Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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