When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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