I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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