shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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