my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
