So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
