Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
