the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
