I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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