3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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