My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
