my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
