I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
