Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
