my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
