You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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