My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
