I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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