Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
