I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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