I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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