Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
