she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
