I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
