I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
and she was petting her beer can
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my being single is dangerous.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
