Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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