bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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