Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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