FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My balls are so social today.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
