not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want nice things and good sex
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
