i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
