what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
