I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
