Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
