O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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