I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
